Florida man convicted of "idiopathic charges"

This post is from the Satire category.

A 23-year-old man was arrested after an incident in Miami, Florida, followed by a trial that would set an entirely new type of legal precedent. Struggling to figure out how to classify the alleged crime, prosecutors looked to the words of doctors for advice:

When we see symptoms that seem to indicate some kind of adverse condition but can’t be classified as a known diagnosis, we call it an idiopathic disease.

Following this line of thinking, the prosecution decided on a novel approach to justice:

Since we cannot form a legal argument for this case using existing laws, we are pursuing idiopathic charges. That means we do not fully understand why the defendant is guilty, but we are committed to bringing justice nonetheless.

Many legal theorists have criticized what they call the “non-argument,” but only the verdict will tell.